For All Cliff
king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
- King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
A Trip to
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where
are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las
Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do
what I do for you for free!"
man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS
bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to
live on $1000 a year!"
you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of
whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try
their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and
wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
The dealers agree.
says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist
down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new
pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging
each of the dealers.
I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes
and quickly leaves.
dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them
asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I
don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she
wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how
much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little
old lady says, "Three million dollars."
accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?"
and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this
bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the
lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big
is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself
to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives,
and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.
in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much
he says. "What sort of gambling?"
I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win.
For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon
tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds.
You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"
bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet
little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase
Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose
I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't
feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet
little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what
I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is
it a bet?"
have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands
you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and
with that she left.
morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man
in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office.
The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten
almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel
his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened
all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still
nothing; perfectly normal.
the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had
in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said
my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any
perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well,
it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!"
he said happily.
so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand
I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position
he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady
goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing
over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his
head against the wall and moaning.
wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet
for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase
Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
When is the only time you split tens?
When the table is full and your buddies need a seat.
Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent
the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians
before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built
us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. We learned to drink
vodka and play Russian roulette. President Clinton frowned. "Russian
roulette is a dangerous game!"
African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette.
If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have
to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and in paraded
a half dozen, magnificently built women who immediate shrugged off
their garb. "You can choose any one of those women to give
you oral sex," he told Clinton.
you can well imagine, THIS got Clinton's immediate attention, and
he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him.
"How is this related to Russian roulette?"
African leader smiled evilly, leaned towards Clinton and in a soft,
even voice said "One of them is a cannibal."
blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand
were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the
player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault.
Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing
to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When
you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well
then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip
but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."
man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper
in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it",
weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied,
apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails
him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When
he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your
the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one
day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd
like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said,
"That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so
I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge
wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't
believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?"
asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied
the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean,
your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet
on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked
for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."
The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls
out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me",
said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you
another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT
eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said,
"Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in
here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false
teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again".
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take
a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50", said the
that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of
the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours
of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy,
drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last
chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one
foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you
without spilling a drop".
bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand
up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on".
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing
all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but
not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey
pal, you owe me $500!" The guy climbed down off the bar and
said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room
$1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still
make you laugh!"
husband's going to a casino in central Asia.
course, why else would he go!
best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet"
You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict
the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind.
Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.
Smartest Dog in the world?
man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table.
Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This
peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips
in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt
to the dog. The dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling,
raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that
they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other
player. Finally the man could no longer hold his tongue, so between
hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe
that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he
gets a good hand, he wags his tail."
Las Vegas Cab Ride
successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter
and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just
get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to
the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in
and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the
driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers,
his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The
cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have
fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman
was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to
catch his flight.
year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he
see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy
who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the
guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for
a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks,"
came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job
on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."
businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old
friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much
for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen
businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they
drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says : You
see Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You may choose "heaven"
peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around
at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful
women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.
Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell! Once in hell,
Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. So Bill says : hey, what
the hell is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sex?
devil says: 'That was just a demo version."
and the Last Dime
was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money
and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's
room. He walked into the men's room and to his surprise, the stall
was open. Feeling better about his luck, he used his last dime in
a slot machine and hit the jackpot.
beyond his wildest dreams, John went on the lecture circuit, where
he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was
eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man
he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a
man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was
the one who gave you the dime."
replied, "You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for
the guy who left the bathroom stall open!"
Dangerfield joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave him three-to-one
he wouldn't make it.
If you have
a great gambling joke give me a shout and I'll post it.